When I was in high school, I was deeply involved in the Christian community. I led a small group Bible study that met once a week in Coach Close's room, and I had a strong desire to know and serve Jesus. However, there was a pivotal moment in the fall of 1998 when I was sitting in a church service, and the pastor preached on this text:
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness.” — Matthew 23:27
That day, the Holy Spirit grabbed me and shook me to my core. I ran to the front of the church and told the pastor, "I am a Pharisee...I need Jesus to save me." I prayed, repented of my sins, and asked Christ to transform my life, and He certainly did.
Here's where I believe many in Christian culture have things a bit confused. I've been told by well-meaning believers that once you give your heart to Jesus, everything starts to get brighter and easier. For a while, I believed that because I was young and naive.
However, when I entered my early twenties, I began to encounter trials and tribulations. I hadn’t really studied James 1, so I was caught off guard when these challenges arose.
By the age of 24, I was divorced, angry, bitter, and full of contempt. What should have driven me to my knees in prayer and deeper dependence on Jesus Christ instead pushed me into addiction and bitterness.
What happened? I thought things were supposed to improve, and I was destined for better things.
The problem was that the devil is like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). I had not followed the Bible’s instruction to be sober-minded and watchful. I was too busy playing games and coasting through life. Sure, I was saved, and I had a strong desire to serve the Jesus who saved me, but I did not take my own sin seriously. I did not personally grasp what Jesus Christ had done for me on the cross. The truth is, sin is deadly. Romans 6:23 says that the wages of sin is death. I believed that, but not about my sin—I saw my actions as mere mistakes. That’s exactly what the enemy wants us to believe. That’s when he pounces, and as John 10:10 says, he comes to "steal, kill, and destroy." And he did just that—I was knocked out.
During this period of my life, I was essentially useless. I cared nothing for the things of God because I was so blinded by my anger and pride. All that mattered to me was indulging in things that brought me pleasure and happiness. I ignored the men and women in my life who tried to show me that Jesus was better than the empty pursuits I was chasing. But even during my rebellion, Jesus was pursuing me, drawing me back to Himself.
One summer, I was asked by a friend to help lead worship at a church camp. I was very reluctant at first. I didn’t want to be in that environment, but after some persuasion, I agreed. It was Tuesday night at the camp, and as the preacher shared from the Word of God, I sat there thinking to myself: This is insane! I was dating a woman who was everything my parents and Jesus had warned me against. I drank regularly, watched porn regularly, and yet here I was, leading worship at a church camp! The students thought I was 'Super Christian guy.' That night, I completely broke. The Holy Spirit convicted me deeply, and I let the other worship leader continue while I laid at the altar, sobbing and repenting.
When I returned home, I broke up with that girl and decided enough was enough. I began trying to obey and follow Jesus. This does not mean I became perfect. I still fell, and my old ways still tried to resurface, but this time I was acutely aware of my sin. My heart broke whenever I attempted to return to my old habits. But Jesus was there to show me that He was better.
You see, when everyone else thinks you’re done, when you believe you have no worth and are useless, Jesus is there.
Psalm 139:1-6
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
You see, my sin does not surprise God. He is not shocked by it. In fact, He is fully aware of what you are about to do even before you do it, and yet He still loves and cares for us. He draws us to Himself so that we might find forgiveness and reconciliation. How amazing is that?
Even though you are flawed, in Jesus Christ, you are not a failure!
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